Dear Anybody,
I know I'm kinda a day late in a post but only because it's 2am so it's technically still yesterday for me in a way. ANYWAYS....
So I started posting my poems on Wattpad, I've been working on a few original things. One of my friends who a really good artist is going to work with me on making one of my short stories into a picture book.
I should really catch up on my photography course but I just don't have the motivation to. Mom's pressuring me to study for my permit test as if she thinks I'm too dumb to be able to pass it. I know I need to study but she doesn't have to say it a million times. I understand that she wants me to pass but she makes me feel like she thinks I can't do it and that I need the extra studying, that I'm dumb, I'm not enough and I hate it because I relate to her the most. She's one of the only people who really understands how I am. Maybe not the to extent of the depression (I have told her but she brushed it off, I'm assuming she doesn't want to accept the fact that there's something wrong with me or that it might somehow be her fault).
If I want to get technical and psychological it is her fault. The way she raised me caused be to be this way. When a child is still developing mentally there's two ways it can go.
I'm going to use the example of tying shoes. (You could also use the example of putting on clothes or something similar) If a parent ties their child's shoes over and over and never lets them try themselves, the child will become dependent. If the parent let the child try until they succeed the child will become more independent.
My mom is the kinda mom who wants to baby the child because they're afraid the child is going to get hurt or something's going to happen. I see it when my little cousins come over, she puts their shoes on them when they're old enough to put them on themselves.
I can say without a doubt I am a dependent person. I find it very difficult to be independent. (Hence the social anxiety and such).
I can't wait for Black Friday, not because of any sales or anything I don't have the money to buy anything anyways but, because my best friend is coming home from college and he's coming over to play Undertale. (We're going to record it as a Full Play and post it on my YouTube channel).
So onto the topic of my best friend. I won't put his name here or anything but we met Sophomore year, became close in Junior year and even closer Senior year. We both love RoosterTeeth/ Achievement Hunter/RWBY. We like the same music, TV shows, etc.
When it comes to him I always feel like I like him more than he likes me. I think of him as my BEST friend (my other best friend being someone I've known since 1st grade) I think of him as a brother. I, in the platonic way, love the guy. But he talks on Twitter or over chat about other people being his 'best friend ever' and I just feel hurt. I know he has other friends besides me (and I'm not saying he can't like anyone but me) and even more now since he's in college. But I don't think of anyone else as my BEST(est) friend ever...
Thinking about it only makes me sad but I know that the day someone only likes me as their best friend is the day pig's fly.
I've been trying to Lucid Dream again lately. I feel that if I can do that I can be happier. I'll be able to create a happy, joyful experience and wake up happy with enough happiness to make it through the day and actually do something productive.
Anyway that's enough rambling for one night.
Until next time,
An Introvert
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